


Soul Society Snippets

by Aurora_Whisperwind



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M, Gen, Parody, Press and Tabloids, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-10 16:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora_Whisperwind/pseuds/Aurora_Whisperwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gossip colou- errrr... the "Newspaper" version of Bleach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Issue One

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Japan Bulletin](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/35112) by Umeko. 
  * Inspired by [Mibu Times Dispatch](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/35113) by BarbaraSheridan. 



> Oh, this was one of my pet projects at FF.net. I really loved doing this, and hopefully will get off my ass and edit/update on time here. Inspired by MisBehavin's The Meiji Journal and Barbara Sheridan's Mibu Times Dispatch and Umeko-san's marvellous The Japan bulletin (All in the Rurouni Kenshin fandom).

**ARTICLES**

  
Hello to all the faithful readers of the Soul Society Snippets! Our staff, and I, Kunizaki Touya, my partner Kamio Minami bring to you an unbiased account of the various happenings in and around Soul society and the living world. We repeat; we are not a cheap gossip paper! We print the truth!!!! So will someone please stop Abarai fuku-taichou from trashing our offices for hinting he has a rather pink, fluffy secret in our last edition! It is true that he has a stuffed bunny rabbit called Bon-bon-chan. Anyway, getting to this weeks edition… which has been rather dull, by the way.  
  
-Kunizaki Touya (currently off to dig more stuff about Abarai-san)  
  


**CHAPPY SHORTAGE**

  
In a drastic development, the shortage of the very popular mascot 'Chappy the rabbit' endorsed products has been confirmed. Chappy dolls, Gikongan, make up, toiletries and even Umbrellas are gone! It's like there is a mad sadistic menace in our society who is hoarding them all! For his dark, evil purposes… little by little we'll fall into his trap… not knowing until it's too late… I, Kunizaki Touya solemnly swear to get to the bottom of this… even if it costs me my life, my happiness, even my love.   
  


**MENOS GRANDE ATTACK**

  
At approximately 4:00 pm Japan time yesterday, there was a suspicious gathering of hollows followed by the appearance of a Menos Grande in the small town of Karakura. However, instead of the general chaos, panic, death and destruction that should have ensued, all the hollows were taken care of and the Menos was seriously injured, report the secret mobile corps. The shinigami assigned to the town is Kuchiki Rukia, who has been missing for a while, but it is improbable that she could have won this battle on her own. As usual, the  _noble_  house of Kuchiki refuses to confirm or deny any news. Officials remain tight-lipped over the issue, although there are rumours galore. But as we have vowed never to encourage cheap, trashy gossip, all we ask is that our readers wait for an official statement.  
  


**ADVICE COLUMN**

  
Hi there! It's me Mystery Matsu! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice! Now, let's get to it…  
  
Mystery Matsu,  
  
My life sucks. My junior officer is an absolute moron who is ditzy and silly and drapes herself all over me all the time. All my colleagues are insane, excepting three, but one's an ice block, one a blind weirdo and another a crazy lady who pretends to be good and pure but is evil inside… on second thought, she's nuts too. I can't get anyone to respect me, just because I'm shor- er, small statured. But that doesn't bother me. At all. Got any advice?  
  
Not-so-short.  
  
Dear Not-so-short,  
  
Oh you poor dear! You seem to be in deep denial, darling. Your height does seem to bother you. You can't help your colleagues, but remember to smile and brave through it. Don't worry though; I'm sure your junior officer can help. Why don't you clear things up with her tonight?  
  
Yours sincerely,  
  
Matsu-chan.  
  
Dear Mystery Matsu,  
  
I adore my junior officer, and use every possible occasion to show her what I feel. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way… is it because I dress kind of strange? Or because I drink a lot? Or neglect my duties sometimes… or glance at other women sometimes… is that bad?  
  
Dispirited-Romeo.  
  
Dear Dispirited-Romeo,  
  
Yes, you are behaving badly. She's a woman for god's sake! She shouldn't be shown affection in such a crude way… be innovative. Surprise her. See how things will change. Hoping for the best,  
  
Matsu-chan.  
  


**PERSONAL ADS**

Mamma, where are you?   
  
-Yuiichi-kun.  
  
Well, that's it for today. Be back next edition!


	2. Issue two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Issue two is up- Follows the anime more than the Manga I suppose. Have tried to add pictures to make it a little more exciting.

Hello again, good people! I hope you all had a good week. Well, without further ado, let's get to the important pieces of news.  


 

**Kuchiki Rukia ARRESTED**

  
In an interesting development, Kuchiki Rukia, younger sister of Kuchiki Byakuya, the 6th squad captain has been arrested and will be sentenced to death. Her crimes include overstaying in the living world, illegal transfer of her powers to some boy and worst of all, staying in a closet in his room (le gasp!) Very un-Kuchiki indeed. Wonder what big brother thinks of his sister's scandalous liaisons with a boy ten times younger than her.  
  
Byakuya-san, instead of trying to save a family member has decided to support her execution. Knew all the Kuchikis were incredibly uppity and stuck-up. Not that said criminal deserves mercy, her murder of a certain someone who was standing in the way of her career was never investigated. It was an 'accident', apparently. Rukia is currently in the 6th squad holding cell and will be executed in twenty five days.  


 

**KUCHIKI RUKIA INTERVIEW FIASCO**

  
Unfortunately, we at Soul Society Snippets could not obtain an interview, because our reporter freaked out and crashed into a wall when she saw a pink and white clad, almost naked Abarai Renji. She managed to get a photograph however, and readers can judge how outrageously the man dresses.

 

 

For god's sake, there are flowers on it! We suspect he did it on purpose, to discourage potential interview seekers. Minami is still unconscious, but out of danger. We are sorry for disappointing our readers, but we'll try to get the interview next week. The reporters of Soul Society Snippets cannot be thwarted twice by such cross dressing freaks.  


 

**CHAPPY SHORTAGE**

  
In other important news, the eerie disappearances of Chappy endorsed items are increasing in spite of tough security arrangements. What are the elders at the Central office of forty six doing? This is far more important than some execution! It clearly shows the social ills plaguing us, the fact that the members of the noble families get more attention for a bit of scandalous intriguing than the very serious shortages affecting the general public. We are investigating, and hope to bring you some news next week.

 

**ADVICE COLUMN**

  
Hello, it's Mystery Matsu again! No good letters this week… just a few pointless death threats from Not-so-short.  
  
Dear Mystery Matsu,  
  
Well it's me again. I tried surprising her with a lovely bottle of sake which I made myself. But she screamed at me and threw the whole lot away, and then hit me with her book! She also hasn't spoken to me in week… What the hell? She threw good sake away! I'm really confused now… what can I do to make it up to her?  
  
Dispirited-Romeo.  
  
Dear Dispirited-Romeo,  
  
Oh god, only men can be this dense. I know I said 'Surprise her' but this is ridiculous! Wasn't it obvious she hated to drink? She seems to be a clear headed, thinking girl. Buy her a nice book, or get her flowers or chocolates. And cut down on your drinking. Hoping for the best,  
  
Matsu-chan.  


 

**PERSONAL ADS**

  
WANTED: A non girly robe for my imbecile lieutenant. Contact the Sixth division.


End file.
